the thoughts of my mind typed out for all to see and discuss

I returned to the USA in May of 2013. It’s strange to think that in just a few short months, that will be a year ago. 

I have not blogged once since moving to Los Angeles. And to think that this was an almost weekly thing at one point in my life… 

So much has changed since I started this blog two years ago. And some things have not. 

The people to whom my heart belonged to at the beginning of my writing still seem to have a hold of it, most of which are close family and friends. I pray that my heart would never let them go. Others are now a distant memory, none of whom have any negative associations that i can remember… they have just entered into the natural order of life that most things do; passing on and taking a different route. 

I have made new friends, entered a new industry, and have faced a deal of new struggles. i also have a handful of new people in my life that i know will be with me for years to come. 

most of what I am saying right now doesn’t have much in common except for the fact that they are all random thoughts of my reflections. and a reminder that my ideas come out backwards sometimes. it is evident in the way that i switch the order of my words.

it has been too long since i have written and i can feel it. writing has always been type of therapy for me and if a reader happens to resonate or find my thoughts interesting, then that’s pretty cool. in a strange way, it comforts me to think there are people out there whose soul is made up of the same stuff as mine. i know this because we think the same way; in a fashion which isn’t ‘normal’.

in looking at the stats of this blog before writing my first entry in over 9 months, i can see that someone out there has taken the time to actually read my blog within the past 5 days, even though what they are seeing is what they’ve seen before… that is if it wasn’t their first time reading it. 

sometimes i wish the stat page would show you who the people are that view your page. and other times, i believe it is better for the ego to have a shroud of mystery in one’s life. 



prepare for the worst… or hope for the best

quote of the day: “you gotta prepare for the worst”

my response: why not just hope for the better.

it’s a glass half full/glass half empty situation and mindset, and i honestly believe that the way people look at it… highly dictates the way they see and experience life.  prepare for the worst, and you’re always going to think that something bad is going to happen… you’re always going to be looking for the next bad moment in your life. hope for the best, and i personally think that better things will come your way, you will be a happier person, and you will really be able to tackle any bad things that do come your way without having to focus or stress about them happening.

**for comic relief 🙂



living an ordinary life has never appealed to me.  i have always wanted more: to see more, to experience more, to push the limits and test my boundaries. it makes living a simple life hard for me to understand. it makes living a simple life of being just a wife and mom not enough.. for me. but then i wonder, is this ridiculously selfish thinking? that living out the basic roles i was made to fulfill should be enough for me to be happy? i have currently been grappling with this idea of being a free spirit for lack of a better term… to want to see the whole world and experience life in different cities and to understand different cultures and just see how people live life. but then there is the struggle and juggle with wanting to do all of this, plus potentially having a family, potentially being a good wife… oh and yeah that little thing called having a job and being able to take care of finances… how does one even being to juggle all of this is beyond me… but i can’t be the only one with such aspirations, can i ?? as far as i know, though, i am one of probably many few, which makes finding a solution difficult.

quick thoughts of the day, since i am kind of tired to type everything out after a full day of working on projects and school work non-stop

Just some thoughts that came to mind as i lived through another day in valencia, spain.

  • despite periodical self doubt, i am a pretty sane and level headed person compared to most and others also think so about me, so that’s a good thing…
  • confidence is key in order to be successfully creative
  • for every 10 bad or mediocre ideas one has, 1 is usually good or brilliant
  • as you get older, the days go by way faster
  • even though 23 days seems like a while, it’s really not. especially when  you’re in school and have to deal with finals, projects, and papers…
  • the weather and music are complete mood changers, no matter what anyone says
  • as alone in your thinking as you may feel sometimes, you’re really not; there is someone out there who completely understands you, even if you may not know them, and that fact alone is comforting in some way

a whirlwind of emotions in regards to the Boston Marathon

last night, i received the shocking news of the bombings that took place at the Boston Marathon.  the emotions i felt at first were numb… as if it didn’t really happen. this tends to be my reaction to a number of news items being so far removed from home. however much i tried to let my mind forget about it, my body would not. i went to bed with a knot in my stomach and woke up with it there this morning. my head has been in a fog and i have felt anxious all day… it wasn’t until lunch time when i was discussing it with friends that i figured out why i was feeling so strange after hearing this devastating news. 

the Boston Marathon is a big deal. it is not something you can just sign up for and participate in. you have to qualify for it and people all over the world travel to the beloved Beantown (a city i call my second home) to run for a cause, for a friend, family member, or sometimes just for themselves; a personal accomplishment.  for whatever reason they run, it isn’t just a rash decision. there is purpose. having been a former athlete and half-marathon runner myself, i understand this purpose.  you push your body to limits you never thought you would achieve. you put yourself through pain, torture, and agony just to cross the finish line. but crossing the finish line stands for so much more than just completing the race. it stands for all the training, all the fund raising, all the support, and defeat over all doubt. 

so for someone to ruin this once in a lifetime moment for most people… it just really hits home and is really affecting my heart. how selfish those people were. how deeply inconsiderate, how deeply thoughtless, how deeply reckless… how wicked and sinister. it brings me to tears and i am in such pain for all those affected.

i pray and will continue to pray for healed hearts; for justice, and for clarity. and although i do not know anyone personally who was injured or killed from this act of cruelty, being a part of the running community, as well as the boston community, is enough of a connection for me to feel great sorrow and to mourn. 

*today, my daily run was dedicated to the marathon runners of April 15, 2013.

back to blogging basics

it was maybe around this time last year that i started blogging… as an outlet really. since moving to spain and becoming a gradstudent, i unfortunately have not had to time nor patience to blog, because my style of writing is identical to my style of speaking… i have to put out all the ideas and details out there, and usually they get jumbled because all of my thoughts come one right after the other and my mouth cant move fast enough to keep up with my mind…and while they are spewing out and don’t make sense, they tend come full circle… and usually by the end of my statement, the people listening in (or who have the patience to) end up getting me. they are the people i call my friends.
as much of a therapy blogging is for me, i haven’t taken care of myself by doing it really at all since i have been here in spain, unless it was for school purposes. and in some ways, i think it has taken a toll.
a friend of mine is a fellow blogger and it is a part of what she does to be sane and feel whole. that is what blogging used to be for me. and i am trying to make it that again. however, for the last couple of weeks here in spain, i don’t think i can spend as much time on my posts as i would like to. therefore, i am going to adopt a shorter style, simply posting a couple of words of my thoughts of the day, links to any songs that might have inspired me, or pictures of what i saw. a short dash of my thoughts until i can really settle down, find myself a coffee shop in LA where i can spend an hour or two at the end of the day and just type away my thoughts and let it be my outlet once again.
so, 2 posts in one day! wow! the next one will be about my thoughts for the day.

And in today’s forecast: Blue Velvet with a chance of silver lining…

As I continue to figure out exactly what I would like my blog entries to focus on during this semester, I figured I would write about a current musical icon that we inhabitants of Valencia (and probably the rest of the world) can’t seem to escape seeing on the billboard of every street: Miss Lana Del Rey. It’s quite interesting actually… she has been the topic of discussion in a number of classes here at Berklee Valencia. To see her face pop up on every billboard around the city… It’s almost as if her ears were burning.
Anyway, to explain why Lana’s ‘I don’t care about anything’/deer in headlights facial expressions are pasted all over town.
Recently, Miss Del Rey partnered with the famous clothing chain, H&M, to launch their new LA Noir line. Being a fan of H&M myself (as well as a big fan of Del Rey), I have shopped there a couple of times since being in Spain, and her vintage-esqe voice on her exclusively for H&M track “Blue Velvet” has filled my ears numerous times as I combed through racks and stacks to find articles of clothing that are particularly my taste… and maybe even resemble a bit of Lana’s image.
The discussions that we have had in class about Lana focus on her ultimate failure performance on SNL as she performed “Video Games”. Although she has laid low on the live performance scene since then, Del Rey hasn’t failed in producing and releasing (in my opinion) amazingly beautiful cinematographic and artistic music videos that perfectly reflect the dramatic, sad, emotional, and lovingly passionate music and lyrics that make Lana who she is. I would say her image and these videos, in addition to her album, have helped to keep her afloat.
And as the time has passed, I think she and her team have seen and evaluated the mistakes they made and are using H&M as a popular platform to bring her back to a better standing position in the music world.

It will be interesting to see how this campaign works for Del Rey’s career; whether it will help or harm it. Possibly, this could be the focus of my blog entries; observing the way major companies and brands can help to revive or improve the career and campaigns of artists: new, established, struggling, or come-back. I believe this partnership between Del Rey and H&M will truly be a test to see if her SNL dive was enough to completely ruin her forever or if you can truly come back strongly after such a huge mistake.

NOTE: I stumbled across this article this morning. Apparently Miss Lana performed at the release party of the Jaguar F-Type in Paris and seems to be putting her stamp on luxury vehicles now. You go girl…


One Shot.

I have been mulling over this idea for a while, but it wasn’t until this morning during my daily getting ready for work regimen that I was able to finally gather final thoughts and words on what I am about to speak about.

Per usual, I always have a life story to correlate with what I am thinking of, so here it goes.  I knew someone once.  They were a great friend of mine. And from what I could see, they had a ton of potential to be something great.  He was a hard worker and did any task to get the job done. Even mundane tasks, he did them without complaint.  He was great at managing, although he might have not had the best first impressions on people because he tends to be a practical realist and dealing with emotions isn’t his strong suit, but nonetheless, I always understood him more than others and saw him for the great friend that he was to me and appreciated his ability to connect well with those he worked with to get the job done.

His family is great. They are super tight-knit and supportive.  I especially enjoyed conversing with his parents. I feel that his dad and I had a great connection, even having the same Christmas album favorite in common: Mariah Carey. His father is a business man, an entrepreneur, a go-getter. And I believe he has passed some of these traits off to his son.  Interestingly enough, without any communication on this particular subject between Mr. and I, we have both raised the idea to my friend of being someone way more successful in the business world than what he wants to be.  Mr. and I both believe that my friend could go on to get more schooling, to become a CEO or a major leader in a company or organization.  But my friend, well, his ideas of his future are a bit different.  His dream come true would be to live on a ranch, in the middle of nowhere, with his wife, and children. That’s about it… and that really, really, realllllllly bothers me.  If I could explain this frustration in a way that other people could relate, I would say this: Imagine a guy, 6’8″ who is naturally great at basketball and is considered to be on the high school all-star team for the entire state of whereverhelives.  Making the ball swish through the net is as easy for him as breathing.  NCAA DI coaches from all over the country are recruiting him, dangling full ride scholarships in his face worth hundreds of thousands of dollars that his parents wouldn’t have to pay to put him through school and probably a number of other offers that would be illegal to promote publicly… And yet, for whatever reason, be it fear, laziness, or just no sheer desire to play collegiate athletics, despite all of the benefits and opportunities it could provide for that person’s life, they decide to decline all offers.  Subsequently, they let down those around them who had been supportive and unfortunately might have a bad light cast upon them. That’s the best way to describe my frustration.

But then, who am I or Mr. to tell my friend what to do with his life. It is, after all, HIS life. But the other day, some one said something in conversation that really stuck out to me, and although I had heard the phrase millions of times, it resonates more clearly with me, especially after thinking about this dilemma for a little while: “We only live once”.  You only have one shot. One chance at life. And with each passing second, there’s nothing you can do to get that lost time back.  Why not do something extraordinary with your life? Why not create a LEGACY? Why NOT?

But as I said before… each person is different. And each person has their passions in life.  And maybe to make global impact isn’t theirs like it is mine.  Maybe living within their own bubble of their family is enough. And I am not degrading the role of a father or mother raising their child and working, because that in itself is an amazing task.  I guess I just have always wanted more out of life. To be a successful mother and wife, while also having a successful career and exploring the world with my family and friends all while spreading the Message of Jesus Christ in a way that makes global impact.  Big ambitions, i know. but they don’t scare me.  They excite me.  Maybe to be in awe of the world and all its wonders and everything that God made in it doesn’t intrigue them as it does me. And maybe… I am just being stubborn… and I don’t know what is best for everyone. But I guess… I guess I just want everyone to feel what I feel, to have their breath taken away by experiences and amazement in this world because of what it does for me, how it affects me… In a way, it’s somewhat selfish but it’s also somewhat caring because at the end of it all, I just want the best for that person.

And… I don’t know really where that leaves me. Except it has caused me to think of another question: Why have I been put in the situation that I am in? Why was I born here, in comfort, while there are millions of others suffering on a daily basis? Why have I been given opportunities of  a lifetime that others will never be able to have? That’s for the next entry.


It’s been a really really long time since I have written, but I am glad to be posting from my fav coffee shop of Temple in Sacramento, CA. 

Come Saturday, I will only have 2 months left in the states until I venture off to the amazing country of Spain… It’s still so surreal to me. The fact that I applied and got accepted to the TOP music school in the WORLD and that I will be part of a trail blazing class, the first masters program class to graduate from Berklee… what an honor truly!

As my departure nears, I tend to be a little more anxious… I have already made friends thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook and have roommates.  I have connected with a couple of churches and am excited about exploring them. The fact that I know Spanish more or less is a great help and I look forward to cultivating the language even more so while I am in Valencia.  Nonetheless, the idea of moving half way across the world is a tad frightening.  I would like to believe that this is not an abnormal emotion for anyone who would be going through what I am. But at least I have an agenda. At least I am going there for a specific reason. 

Meet Anna and Krystyna. Two girls from Russia that have recently moved into the complex of where I work and do not speak a lick of English.  Ages 8 and 10 respectively, these girls have the ultimate prerogative to be fearful, uneasy, and confused.  Working in the community that I do, it’s been great speaking with the children and hearing their backgrounds: where their family is from, how many siblings they have, their experiences back in the homeland, etc.  For the most part, the kids say their parents moved them here ‘for a better life’ and that all their other aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins live back in Russia, the Ukraine, Uzbekistan, etc. While that is obviously a valid and admirable reason, the thought of having absolutely no connections in your new country or community must be absolutely terrifying.

Anna and Krystyna are Russian. When I first met them a month ago, they had just moved to the states and constantly needed translation. I am highly grateful for the girls in my program who are bilingual and were able to help me communicate with A & K. It was and still continues to be such a great help. To see both girls blossom and develop their use of the English language has been a miracle in and of itself… Truly remarkable.  They understand almost everything I say to them and each day they continue to get better at responding to me with English as well.  In a way, I feel a connection with them and my Spanish vernacular. Although I can somewhat hold a conversation, I understand everything, but sometimes feel so lost. 

I am choosing to move to Spain. I am going there to get a higher education and because any opportunity to visit let alone to live in Europe is a dream come true.  A & K probably did not have a choice to move away from their friends, family, and everything that is familiar and comfortable to them. They have probably been scared, confused, sad, upset, and all other emotions that resonate with new beginnings in unfamiliar territories where only a small population speaks Russian and looks down upon those who do not catch on as quickly to our rather harsh and inconsistent language.  But they have carried themselves with more grace than I have seen from most adults through this truly life-changing situation.  They are truly Brave.


Thank you Yahoo.com for providing interesting and informative content to read while on a break or getting settled in at the office. Whether it be breaking news, celeb gossip, of interesting slideshows like i saw today, yahoo tends to keep me well entertained.

So today, I came across a slideshow of albino animals from all over the world. No one can resist wanting to look at these fascinating creatures, let’s just be real. So as I am scrolling though, a couple of the photos caught me off guard with fear or uneasiness… Most of were alligators, crocs, or large snakes made me cringe or want to look away, and all i could ask myself is, why?? Why did these creatures make me feel this way, even though I could look at their kin and be alright with it. The only difference was their pigment, or lack there of… And its not like I was seeing them in real life, i was only seeing pictures.

So what causes fear? Why did these ‘abnormal’ pictures make me uneasy? Is fear caused by the lack of the unknown? By unfamiliarity? Seeing people interact with and love being around these albino animals causes me to think yes… that unfamiliarity with something causes fear, because we don’t see it often or interact with it on a daily basis. So… Is this bad? To have fear in our lives… Because biblically, the Lord says to ‘fear not’. Should we desire a better understanding for that which we don’t know and would knowing all things really eliminate fear all together?

These questions are open for debate as i have absolutely no answer and would love to get some opinions and comments, please!! Don’t make me beg you all 🙂